Death's Apprentice
by Azreal
Summary: Lilith's thoughts on why she kills...kinda weird, but what do you expect from me?


Disclaimer: Gundam Wing belongs to them what made them, not me. Any other character not on the show but appears in this fanfic is mine.

  
  


Author's Notes: This fic is kinda strange. This is like a diary of sorts for Lilith. It describes how she feels about her life in general, and how she thinks she is Death's apprentice. Weird description, but that's how it is....

  
  


Author's Thanx: To my reviewers and Fanfiction.net. You guys rock! Thank you for saying such nice things about my writings! It means a lot to me, really. I love how when people read my fics, then review it and I get the reviews, that they seem so happy to have read my fics. One person even said it should be turned into a movie! I really don't think my fics are _that_ good, but then again, I critisize myself to the extreme. If it doesn't meet up to the standards I set for it, then its crap. But anyway, if you guys like my fics, then cheers to you. I write not only because it's like therapy, but because I know there are people out there who wouldn't mind reading my stuff too much. Oh, and by the way? The therapy thing is party true. I write because it eases my mind, by getting out all the weird shit. But I really do like hearing from you guys. Arigato, minna. Honto. 

  
  


Warnings: Angst, I guess, AU, whatever else....this one isn't bad. Actually, a warning really isn't necessary here....

  
  


Questions, comments, flames, praise (yeah right) please send to

  
  


pippin_elf@yahoo.com

  
  


But not in the summer, because I don't have the internet at home. YET. Perhaps very soon, but I'm not sure. I'm buying a modem from my friend tomorrow (my mom just said yes to it) and if it's compatible with my computer (or all that technical junk) and if I can get it hooked up and all, then I'll have the internet very soon. But until then, don't mail me in the summer. If you do, and I answer, then you'll know I have the 'net, but if you do, and I don't mail you back, then you'll know I don't have it. And I ALWAYS mail people back, unless I can't in the summer. Okay? Arigato.

  
  


Now for my words of not-exactly wisdom:

  
  


"When life gets fucked up, you better get like that too, because life ain't gonna get any more normal just because you want it to."

by me, Azreal

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Death's Apprentice

by Azreal

pippin_elf@yahoo.com

June, 2001

  
  
  
  


This is a question I ask myself a lot.

  
  


Why do I do what I do?

  
  


Why do I kill people? Why do I feel the need to kill? Why do I have to kill someone if they betray me, or if I feel they betrayed me? What have I become?

  
  


I really don't know the answers to any of those questions. All I know is that I'm not the greatest person in the world to be friends with. I'm mean, ignorant, pompous, and rather crude at time. Heh. Fuck etiquette. I could care less about how people think I should act, and focus only on how I want to. That's all that matters, right? I'm not living for them, I'm living for me.

  
  


A lot of people have told me, 'Oh, you should be _this_ way, not _that_ way, because you have no sense of honour or chivalry.'

  
  


The hell I don't! I have a lot of honour and chivalry in me, I just don't care to use it. I fight in an honourable way; at least, I think I do. I don't hit someone if they're already on the ground, unless I know for a fact that they're gonna get back up and beat the piss outta me. _Then_ I kick 'em when they're down. I mean, I don't pick on little kids for no reason-- hell, I don't pick on _anyone_ for no reason, nor do I start a fight without good reason, and I don't kill people without good reason. I won't fight someone with weapons who doesn't have a weapon, and I won't fight with someone weaker than me, unless they throw the first punch. Then I knock them out, but don't really hurt them. Other people won't think twice about fighting someone weaker than them, they'll fight with a weapon even if their opponent doesn't have one, they'll kick someone when they're down, and they kill and fight without a good reason. And then people say I have no honour? Ha!

  
  


There are times, though, when I really wonder about myself. This is one of those times, in case you haven't noticed. I wonder why I have such a crappy life. I mean, I know I made choices in my life that led to this, but was it preordained or something? Was this the life I was destined to live, organzied by some higher power how many millions of years ago? 

  
  


Fuck, man. This philosophical shit is pretty damned depressing. Now I remember why I don't think about it too much.

  
  


But anyway, that's not the point. I've thought for a long time, and I'm pretty sure that there is no God. I mean, if there was a God, and He was sitting up in Heaven on His throne or whatever watching over humanity with a loving gaze, then why would He allow us to do the shit we've done? Sure, he gave humans free choice, if what the Bible says is true, but if He loved us so much, why would He let us hurt ourselves? And was I supposed to be the person I am today? If I had been born under any other circumstances, would I be the same as I am now? Or would I be totally different?

  
  


This shit really gives me a headache. So I've decided that instead of believing in God and worrying about sins and stuff like that, I'll just believe in Shinigami. That's a lot easier to understand. The God of Death doesn't care about humanity, or watch over us like some mystical fucking parent figure; he just wanders around taking lives, as is his wont. 

  
  


I think of death as just a thinning of the herd. There are too many people in the world, and on the colonies than there should be. The human race is just way too big; why else would we build space colonies to live on? We destroyed the Earth a while ago, but when it finally healed, we moved back just to wreck it again. People deserve to die for the crimes they committed against the earth and each other. To me, death is a good thing.

  
  


That's why I kill people.

  
  


Hey, I just figured out why I killed people! A part of the reason, anyway. I don't really like doing it; I don't think anyone does, not deep within their souls. If we have souls. But anyway, I think I kill people because they deserve it. I only kill people who do bad things, though some would argue that my view of 'bad things' is different from anyone else's, which is somewhat true. But my view of what's right and wrong falls in line with what a lot of other people think, so they can't really argue with me. I kill because it's right.

  
  


It may not be fair for me to judge who is good and who is bad, but since I do it only because I feel they deserve it, and they usually do, I don't think anyone has the right to argue with me about it. Besides, the reason most of these people argue with me is because the Bible says it's wrong. If I don't believe in the Bible, or God, then I don't have to live by those rules, right? I don't think I have to. We as humans have the right to choose whatever religion or following that we want, and if our religion clashes with society's laws, then religious beliefs take precedence.

  
  


Society is a Christian one, following it's rules and laws and all that, but if I don't believe it, then should I have the right to break their rules? I think so. I have the right to do whatever I want, basically. Free will, free speech and all those nice things that the government claims we all have the right to. I love that. It totally comes into conflict with the Bible and the Church, sometimes. If a person wants to die, then let them. But the Church tries to prevent that, saying that no one has the right to take another's life, since that's playing God. I say, if a person wants to die and they can't do it themself, and if they ask someone else to do it, then that person isn't playing God. They are giving someone what they want, and are helping them to achieve their personal wants. Free will, says the government. Free choice, says the Bible. Fuck them. Fuck 'em all.

  
  


I do what I want, when I want. I follow no rules. I break 'em.

  
  


And I'm damn happy with that, most of the time. But sometimes, I get tired of it. 

  
  


Sometimes, I want rules to keep me in check. If I followed the rules, I'd probably have more friends. But I don't, and a person doesn't need that many friends to survive. A person doesn't need friends, they need allies. 

  
  


And I don't even have those.

  
  


I want to believe in something, so that I know what will happen to me after I die.

  
  


But then again, what does it matter? Belief in something won't change the way I live, nor will it help me in anything. Religion was created to give people an answer to what happens after death and the meaning of life and why we're here. To me, there is no meaning to life. There is no reason behind it all, no great force at work, guiding us to purity and all that bullshit.

  
  


There is only death, and all our lives we are only dying. From the time we are born to the time our hearts stop beating, we are only dying. Nothing matters, except me and my own life, which happens to be taking the lives from others.

  
  


I am a force unto myself.

  
  


I am the judge of people's crimes.

  
  


I have the right to do whatever the hell I want, because not only the government, but the Bible says so. 

  
  


I have free will, free choice. That's the only thing I really have that's _mine_.

  
  


I am the last thing people see before they die.

  
  


I am Death's apprentice.

  
  


And I am pretty fucking cool, 'cuz I got that job and no one else did.

  
  


Ha!

  
  


Owari

  
  
  
  


I know, I know, it was really short. I can't help it, okay? This is the shortest fic I have ever written, besides my "Velvet Shadow" and "Into The Night". Was this okay, though? I know it wasn't very good, but I just wanted to write _something_, yet still have time to do my homework tonight. You know what? I wrote "The Velvet Shadow" and this fic all in the same night, and I _still_ have time left to do my homework! Wow! Cool! Anyway, I hope you all like this one. It was just something I had to get off my chest.

  
  


You know what? If you've read my other fics, and remember what I said about Lilith being based on me? Well, part of what I said in this fic is based on my opinions, though not all. I don't think I'm death's apprentice; I think I'm Satan's daughter. *grinz* Well, half of what my mind thinks about kinda indicates that I'm evil, but the way I am, and how I act and feel about other people kinda inches towards God. I really don't believe in either, but if there is a God and Satan, then they're probably fighting over who wants me to be in their ranks. God don't want me, and neither does Lucifer. Heh-heh. I'll probably end up walking around on earth until the end of time, since neither of them wants me in their kingdoms.

  
  


Anyway, don't flame me if you're a total believer in God or whatever, because I'm not trying to convert anyone here. I'm just a writer. Freedom of speech, ne?

  
  


Questions, comments, flames, praise or anything else that comes to mind, send to

  
  


pippin_elf@yahoo.com

  
  
  
  


Sayonara!


End file.
